I keep a notebook of joke ideas. I write them down quickly. Upon revisiting the notebook, I realize most of the ideas are absolute rubbish. Others, I cannot translate into sanity. I will distribute some of my rubbish/insane stockpile now.

Two bathrooms: men who talk at urinals, men who don’t talk at urinals.

A man, excited about this innovation, looks at the sign and says, "finally!" He walks into the ‘men who don’t talk’ bathroom, approaches the urinal and unzips pants. He turns to the fellow next to him and says: “This new urinal system is pretty great huh? Took ‘em long enough to think of it! Thank god though eh?”

He is thoroughly brutalized.

The obese man died of consumption.

See, the joke here is that consumption is tuberculosis. However, in this instance, consumption is eating mounds of pork.

Did we just kill the Green Lantern? - Hissing if survive.

I don't know what this is.

Proofs.

I'm very good at maths.
I've never seen you do basic addition without a calculator.
Well, mathematical proofs are my forte. This is 70 proof, so thats... 35 % alcohol!

I've never been drunk.

Not sure what the punchline is, but I'll have a go: Said the man about to be liquified and imbibed by the parched laser-beast.

One large pepperoni.

I find it amusing that pepperoni is so associated with pizza, that upon uttering the meat topping, you've implied you want a pizza. You cannot say "I want one large sausage." You will only confuse people, and possibly call into question your heterosexuality.

Fencing with bottlenecks.

I'd like to see a bar-fight where the participants fence with broken bottles, as opposed to savagely slashing each other in the typical unsophisticated drunken technique we've come to expect.

Referring to plates as fine China is actually a misnomer. The Chinese actually eat, not on plates, but from greasy cardboard boxes that are NOT machine washable.

Explanation unnecessary.

Nazi = not see = a blind person

Also self-explanatory.

Let's draw straws.

Everyone gets out their pad and pen and to see who can render the best straw. Points are awarded for artistic merit, originality, and whether or not it looks fun to chew on.